my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
did i walk over a car last night?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
