Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
