you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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