It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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