The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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