Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
