So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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