The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
