I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
