I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
