i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My vagina is officially offended.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
