She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
