I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
there is glitter all over my balls
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
