we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
