She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
