Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize