Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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