Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
