so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
