I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
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It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize