I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
