So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How does one acquire holy water?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
