so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
