I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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