I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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