Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
