dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
