DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
