My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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