The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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