So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
