I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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