toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
