My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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