Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
