dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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