I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
