I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
