When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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