You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
