I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
pray to the hookup gods
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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