Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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