My hand turned me down
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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