what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
