dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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