I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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