your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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