It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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