I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
