If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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