i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
