Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
