You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
