I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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