Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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