I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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