Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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